i am a TEACHER??

alhamdulillah....

all the micro & macro teaching have been done

micro teaching means- work out your lesson plan with the friends pretending themselves as children

macro teaching means-just roughly present what your lesson plan is all about

the rules is simple-do and imply 

but the act out is not as easy as you see

you're 23 at least...pretend that you're 10 years younger is not easy

but we made it happened.

and today i've completed all...

the efforts, the intense, the money, the hardwork, the tears, the smile,the critiques, the comment, the defense

all mixed up...

the thing is

i never picture myself as a teacher

i never tell myself to..

because that is the responsibilities that i'm afraid of

the responsibilities that possible to be a burden

i'm afraid that i don't have the passion

afraid of newspaper's never ending news of teachers at school

i've been here for 5 years..

and now completing the final 6th

thinking of me as teacher-to-be giving me goosebumps 

thinking of me as the adults scared me the most

am going to be a woman

with the responsibilities as a wife, parents, and educators 

the thought is as heavy as stone

the feelings are much more heavier..

what if i'm not the mother-type woman

or a good-wife type..

how much i can stand with children's mayhem..

i know "mayhem" is such a heavy word to describe children

but try to accept the fact that not all of them are adorable

like what has been provoked in those stereotype movies

i worry much i think

let things be as they way they are..

if i meant to be a teacher

i am more than willing to serve..

believe me...

if i can be like one..

i guess i get the picture of me in 10 years ahead..

more or less like this i think..

owh..plus all the wrinkles...

signs ok aging...hahaha

goodnite....

p/s: suddenly all the font are well rainbowed....new skills.haha!

trainee teacher versus students

both are about the same

but do you know how big the difference is?

|______________________(^o^)_______________________|
this BIG!!

being a student is far more easier..

but being trained to train others is too much harder

enough energy, work on plan, never skip classes,
sit examinations, get good results, start new semester

those are enough to survive as a student

but....

as trainee teacher, it's a different story

you have rigid rules to follow

once broken, you're doomed

you have "bosses" that just a step apart

with a single glance, they can see everything

"everything"...means from the top to the toe

how you walk, how you dressed, how you wear tudung, how you yawn, how you make up, how you eat

 in a simple word...EVERYTHING

but as a student, even you walk backwards or upwards, or you wear flip flop to class

ade mak kesah??

nobody cares...

please bear in mind that this is exaggerating..

but the idea is simple..

i'm being ungrateful here..

*jangan tiru aksi ini di rumah

the life of me as a student in UIA is much better

life as trainee teacher here is disaster

again...

bear in mind...

this is the speaking of me after being "criticized" by MJ

ops....over-criticized
the lowest state of my rational mind

this is upsetting..

huuu......

(ToT)

daydreaming

thinking of the tiresome weeks i had gone through

and also the coming weeks

i longed for a good-day rest

doing nothing but laying on bed

daydreaming,listening to songs, watching back to back episodes,

and reading favourite novels

Godbless....

the day has come!

what a peaceful mind i have..

mmm...

daydreaming..

i'm pretty really good at it

that's why

 it ihas been a constant worries of my mum

since i was little..

in a count of her as a mother..

or in a count of her as a good-at-nag mother

(sorry ma!)hihihi...

i believe that people have their own dream(s)

unachievable... or else it won't be called "dream" instead

supposed to be reality

that's what make us always dreaming of "if my dream comes true"

isn't it?

but mine is different

it's more to play pretend

you know...pretend that you're in certain situation, 

or pretend that you're in somebody else's shoes

it worries my mum because in many ways it affects my "reality"

the latest,

i asked my mum bout my youngest sister

that time, she was just coming back from town

without my sister

and i asked her

"ma...ina mane??tinggal kat kb ko?"

and my mum..

she always get panic for no reason

and for sure when i asked that 

she..without a second of logical reasoning

without a blink

certainly think that 

she without realizing left my sister at the shop..

her fair face now looking pale

thinking possibilities that might happen to her little girl

in the town alone...

and....

minutes later....

my sister came

and i said..

"haih g mane?bukan ikut ma tadi?"

she replied..

"gilo ke hape..kite baru duk kecek kat dapor tadi!"

there u are...

i've been in lots of situations, in many roles,in many movies, even songs

without me having a real experience of it

and when i grew older

the roles getting more mature..more logical

wait....more ridiculous i think!

i used to it..

that's how i imagine things when i want to draw something

i must have the complete images of things

so that i can transfer it in the paper..

when it's not real

i make it "real"

years back

i saw a picture of Persian's cat

belong to my friend

and i really really really want to have it

obviously i can't afford to

so..

i drew one

i kept it as my pet 

for 2 years

sounds crazy isn't it?

but different people interpret satisfaction

in different ways

find your own way

u'll be happy!

goodnite....muah!
haha...

backbiting

when you're too busy talking about people

u never realized most parts in the story

is actually talking bout ur own good

how?

"how can she do this? if i were her..i would try to find the best solution"

have you ever been in this situation?

me..yes..

in both..the "she" and the "i"

but at the end of the day

we would realize

talking bad bout people never give good in return

what left in mind

is the guilt

and the feeling of sorry

sigh...

just like the rules of fingers

pointing 1 finger to people..

the other 4 always came back to you..

like the earth

life moving round

we are on the top..sooner or later

we fell at the bottom

but it never stop moving

on and on...

till we meet the top again

that's the karma

life is no guarantee

because the nature of sphere 

it's hard to be stabilized

once you're on the top

you lost your balance

then you fell

p/s:backbiting, bad-mouthing..

goodnite...

tazkirah sorang diri....pathetic btol

if i can count and save the patience..

if the "patience" can be counted and saved

i would now have lots and lots and lots of them in my locker

some i will put in my bags

so that i can bring with me wherever i go

and today i would give some to MJ

my lecturer..

and some to the administration of this maktab

and most of the patience i keep for myself

i would just swallow them up

so that they would stay in my heart...

safe and sound

so that i can add more

when the need arise

sounds terribly, desperately, and crazily in tense, isn't it?

na....i have enough since i stepped in here

on 10th July 2006..

so what i have now is just the pieces of them

i mmm.. actually "we" have the best 2 years in UIA

where assignments, admin,lecturers, rules and regulations 

are all based on professionalism

this is not being ungrateful

but...the speak of truth..

the voice towards the irrelevance of human thinking

the assignments are over ambitious...

even beyond the capabilities of us..

but...there are good parts of it

giving a second glance to it,

make me realize..that

1000s of people want the position i have now

government is giving sum of RM to us

asking nothing in return but the good service for the children

assignments are parts of the life of students

rules and regulations are nonsense for the disobeyed-----> like me

and all of these would be the best memories of me

to talk to my future generation

and...

its the place of my origin

the reminder of me as future teacher

the teacher in the making..

so..thank you..

lets pray for our best

for my final step...

here..

p/s: the bottomline is ingat senang ke nk jadi cikgu?? i'm talking rubbish.

.:miss boovanes:.

 is a lecturer of mine

she loves to nag you know

but everytime it somehow ends up with laugh

it's not that we do not respect her

but she has this natural sense of humour

why?

she's very open minded

madam is a hindu

but knows everything bout islam

she even listen to tazkirah from ustaz

oh..the humour part of her

she's very enthusiastic person

especially when she teaches kajian tempatan

we're tesl..so she speaks English

but the content is in Malay

so madam keep switching the language

sometimes it gets mixed up

and we confused

even more confused when her Malay is too confusing

i'm confuse!

but she's a lovely person

everything she does, there is a sense of kindness in her

even when she got angry 

she nag and nag

we still feel the motherly of her

like today..

we were having lecture bout local studies

suddenly it was raining heavily

and one of my friend shouted

"alaa...hujan lebat la" and keep pointing to the window

miss boovanes might got irritated to that, she went to the back row

where my friend seated and said

"hujan salah..xhujan pon salah. kamu group belakang excited sgt tgk hujan.saya kasi kamu 2 minit utk tgk hujan"

about a minute later...

"cuba describe apa yg kamu nampak in English"

her Indian accent lowered down the sense of anger

you know..we focus on the accent instead of the content

and we can't stop laughing looking to our friend

waking up from "sleep" and figure out what to say bout the heavy rain

that's how she shows her anger..

or her joke??

p/s:writing in the dark before going to sleep is now a habit?!

a sweetest goodnite is flying to get you

^^goodnite^^

.:goodnite:.

its been a rough week for me

no wonder why i have daily entry 

words heal sometimes

even it sounds stupid

i even laugh when reading it for a second time

or maybe third

or more

and said to myself

"i must have gone crazy that day..how can i wrote this?"

yet its fun

only through this blog 

i know that my language is that bad

not in a standard of tesl student

why suddenly bother to blog?

i paused for almost a year before

don't ask

i don't have the answer either

what i know is

i never force people to read mine

you read or you dont 

nobody ask to

besides i have to make a full use of 48 ringgit i've spent per month for the broadband

its 3 am

this tired eyes 

is working too hard

for over a week

it even forget how to rest

goodnite

...alhamdulillah...

thank you Ya Allah...

.:exhausted:.

laptop rosak

nobody willing to accept

its hari raya

at last found one

an hour drive from home

laptop cannot be fixed

cost almost 300 in total

being cheated 2 times

all assignments are in the laptop

bring another back up laptop

working like siput 

stay up till 4

still notin' can be done

2 assignments waiting 

another one in row

tomorrow is the day

i have zero

once crying

feeling hopeless

allahuakbar allahuakbar

please stop this

that's stupid

y giving up?

there's a way

think!

then smile

y sad?

it runs very slow...even slower when its tired

yet it works..better than not

exhausted..

but better

stress 

but smiling

i dont give a damn

dear God

no blame no whining

I LOVE YOU

always...